�������� �� It seems that all my dreams require me to walk across a very narrow path. Last night I saw a dam and I had to cross the river. There was a very narrow tree logs tied together with many chainsaws tied up to them. It may not make much sense but I was getting home after a tire flew off my car and I crashed over the bridge off the freeway. I am always in very dangerous situations but I am not afraid of anything. I am climbing over a river. The logs are shaking and moving from side to side to side. I feel confident in what I am doing and I seem to trust that they won’t break on me.
����������� I am still trying to figure out why am I always in these situations. It’s is not the first time I crashed the car in my dreams and I don’t wake up when it happens. Also it took few hours because I fell asleep at after 6am and woke up before 9. I don’t sleep regularly at all, just time to time when I fall asleep in different places.
������������ �It’s my third day. I haven’t been eating much. My stomach is hurting and I feel so weak. Most of the time I lay on my bed and have hard time lifting my hands. I managed to get to the computer.
������������ This is what happened… My dad asked me to do something for him, but I had so many things to do and told him I couldn’t and that I had to go home. I was actually working and he was the one getting paid for it anyways. He told me I could not take that car. So I called my sister to pick me up from Venice and bring me home. So basically my parents took the cat away from me. They say it’s because I am always helping everyone else and don’t have time for them. Honestly I have been busting my ass the whole time until I knew they were asking too much from me.
������������ My phone has been ringing and voice mails left. I don’t pick up or call back. They won’t let me help anyone. I can’t help anyone without getting places. I tried checking bus schedules and they were too confusing. I have never taken the bus anywhere and they don’t work that late. I began to realize people call me when they need something not when they want to offer me anything. �It’s as if I am waiting for anyone to come pick me up for once since I am the one doing it all the time.
�������������There were so many things I had to do and it makes me feel so bad that I didn’t get a chance to get anything done. Feeling depressed and it has put me very low under the threshold. I know I can call and ask for a ride but I feel worthless like I don’t have much to offer. I look like a mess and everything around me has lost its color. I feel numb and all I did to deserve this was say no.
������������� I hate my life when it become like this. I want to be free. I want to own something that can’t be taken away from me. All this tells me that my parents don’t feel like I deserve anything. I have worked ever since I was a little boy to help them. I wanted them to be proud of me. But I don’t seem to deserve anything in their eyes.
������������� I remember every square inch in this house. I have been here very das since my parents bought the lot. I had to dig, place a slab, plant the grass place the bricks, build walls and roof, install windows and doors, paint and trim, tile, plumbing, electricity, and everything I didn’t mention in between. But I didn’t deserve a place to live in it. I spend hours outside fixing the cars, burning my hands to the hot engine, cutting my wrist to sharp tools while everyone was out at the beach or in the house watching TV. But I didn’t deserve a car. I had put so much time and effort to do my best and everything I had done was for the worst. Everything I do, nothing ever works out.
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it:
More like feeling gratitude and expressing it is...like giving them the gift and they not accepting it....
Guess I should go make someone angry today so that I can destroy them later on...
Don't Keep Score
Acting With competence
Be Ethical
Be involve in family
Look in mirror like one self
Do not be angry
'Natural emotions take hold of me and hijack me.
Apologize quickly & sincerly when I've done something wrong.
Practice Kindness & Patience.
When your child misbehaves always remember ' what gives you the power to win these battles of will is your ability to maintain control over your emotions while your children lose control of theirs.'
I've got to work on my Differentiation.� I've got to work on improving myself and take care of myself and make decision that is good for me...and not what other people think.
In the past, I let my family run my life.� I was suppose to go to the funeral of my ex-gf.� But their was death taboo which conflicted with my father's memorial.� Something irrational about that.� And I didn't go.� So I abandon my ex gf in her time of trouble.� What kind of moron does that?� Still I should not have listen to them, my family.� Even C told me not to go.� I could not believe it.� Now she says that I have to listen to myself not what the family is telling me to do.
I went to church and I can see that I can be forgiven for that.
Even I'm flawed, God forgives and loves me.� I can't forgive but blame other people and then become angry.� In time maybe I can forgive them and even myself.� I find that I want to exact revenge on them.
I need to pull back like the Work The System book suggest and see clearer what the root of the problem is, to be somewhat emotionally detached.
I just read the quote from William Ward (who's he?) and it�lent a�thought to me on gratitude as I was going to launch�on my thought/feelings�of my brother.
Am I grateful for him?�I guess I am, at times. Over the years I've thought that possibly my life�would be easier if he weren't born.���� Oh�man, that sounds harsh. But if you had the whole story you may think the same way. Right now I'm not feeling especially grateful to have him in my life. He's not really part�of my day to day because he lives too far away but he's in my thoughts alot. I currently have been worrying about him and get anxious if I think about him too much.�
I write to him but his responses are short and� cryptic. If I ask for him to elaborate or expound on a thought he says he can't, he often uses "I don't know" as an answer, this is a dead end. I believe he doesn't want me to know much about him these days.
"These days" refers to the time since his break up with Claudia. I'm assuming that they are still married but not living together. Claudia said in her last email that she's finding it harder to keep denying to herself that her marriage is over. She has people telling her to move on but she's not ready, 25yrs is most of her life and it's been centered on my brother - for better or for worse it was what it was.� Brother sent me a quote last week, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it", my understanding of that quote is that he's referring to how much he wanted out of his marriage and now that he is out he's not so happy about it. See what I mean about being cryptic?
I wonder how it would be if he were living nearer to me. With these many miles between us it's easier to make excuses for not communicating regularly with him. The distance has kept us from witnessing each other's lives so we only know what the other tells us.�Since his separation from C. I get two�different stories - to be sure! My belief is that he wants me to think/feel only a certain way for him. He wants me to unconditionally love him - nothing wrong with that I'm sure. He can't stand any judgement from me - gonna get some of that in life.�He has collapsed under my disapproval - he should have seen it coming.�
I bet he has a fantasy of how he is thought of by me and mine. As he has been so distructive to his family I would think that it's sad for him that I don't think/feel the same about him now. Which makes it logical that he doesn't communicate willingly these days.
Yep, I think I'm on to something! If I were ashamed of myself, my actions, I'd want to stay out of the spotlight. I guess I'm pretty important to him and he's doing what he has to do to keep his pride with me...
Interesting. Journaling really helps.
Hello my name is Polina and i guess i decided to folloe throught this thing two years later hahaha i love that every time i check my email there would be new messages every day replying back to my little journall and at first i ignored them but then i started to read the responses and they actually were pretty amazing i almost thought it was a computer writing them! i hope not� at least! Well from 2005 alot has happened i matured alot and i think i actually found my self alot of people tell me i am way to mature for my age but barerly thew people actually know my age since i was born in europe i dont like the states very much they say its a free country but i think its anything but free basically all my friends in europe dont have curfews drinking limits or ids and they are all perfrctly fine and here in the states my friends have all that and they very drunk and stuoid all the time i guess its called a sense of rebelleiust liosm and i used to be like that and i actually changed at a very young age where most people start! and i am very proud of my self!Lets�go back acouple of years when i first posted thid thing i was all about fitting in being popular and shit like that and guess what its not the best thing for you my fresh men year i hated so i transfered into independant studies and out� of nowhere i got all these friends that people in my grade looked up to and they all wanted to be my friends and guess what the people that i used to be wanting to be friends with so bad dint even matter any� more i just loved the friends that i had at the moment but more than half of them became back stabbers all the sudden i realized what it was like to have alot of friends in the states and it was not a good experience!
People are just soo jealouse and i always had to step down let my girl friends have the guy� so there wont be any tention! Now my best friends name is steven and i love to hang� out with him i guess i became thats oc party girl but im more that just that and sometime my friends wonder why i hang out with steven and honestly its because i am sooo sick of o.c�califronia i love right by the beach a block away i have all the friends i ever wanted i get invited to alot of parties and now i barerly go to any of them orange county is fake most of my friends are fake i want to go back to europe i can not stand haning aroung people my age they are wayy to immature and i cant satnd going to stupid parties where every one lives of denial of the future and just parties and does drugs maybe thats why i have a fake or maybe its because where i was born and i thought my self at a very young age how to be responsible
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